I'm writing about this, because I see too many people, falling into patterns of 'being nice'.
As lovely as nice is, being too nice can be bad for you.
Why?
Underneath it is a battle of 'Yes!' and 'No!'... real discernment and good judgement.
I love nice: nice things, nice people, nice places, nice food, just nice, and I think that's where some of us have gone a little awry.
The problem is that there are so many people out there who are so nice, that they can't say 'no'. Instead interactions, life and living become a bit of a blur. The good news is that I have developed practices that bring the 'No' to life, gently, organically and pleasantly... all round.
The beautifully poetic aspect of this particular practice is that whilst we introduce a pleasant 'no', we also enliven and strengthen our 'yes'. The result is our niceness begins to live beyond behaviours, activities and experiences and draws in more of what actually suits... for life.
As a culmination of a series of living patterns, niceness is held together physiologically, psychologically, biologically, physically and chemically and lived through our behaviours, actions, activities and experiences. Needless to say it is a complicated beast. Bizarrely, nice people simplify it beautifully by saying, they 'can't say no'. Whilst, in reality, a blurred version of their 'no!' is lived and expresses itself in many, many ways:
Patterned dissent is one, submission is another. Then there's defiance, repulsion, rejection, reaction, response and retaliation.
So, for all of those who think or say, 'I just can't say 'No!' you are doing so all the time. Maybe you will be able to hear it in the following phrases:
'well, it doesn't matter', or 'I don't mind' or 'it's easier all round' or 'well, I wasn't going to be doing anything else anyway, so I may as well' or, 'I just couldn't say 'no!''
Can you hear the hint of negativity? The submission? The lack of being up for it?'
Veiled by niceness, lives the shaded greys of yes and no.
So, how might 'no!' reveal itself well?
We pick up so much from the life around us, both consciously and unconsciously, we don't even have to consider how to bring this side of us to life. All we have to do is open ourselves up to it and it can happen. Should you do so successfully. you might begin by surprising yourself by being different, saying something different or opting into something that would not usually be on your radar.
Dissent becomes a reasoned argument for.
Submission becomes a re-gathering, reconsideration, consolidation and growth.
Defiance becomes a stance for and a holding of your ground solidly, wholly, yet open.
Repulsion disappears to become free movement away.
Rejection is softer and is as the result of discernment.
Reaction, becomes inclusive, an organic response to real danger.
Responses become considered, rounded and open.
Retaliation becomes a like for like and only lives as and when you are ready to take a step into your full emotional range. My own personal experience of this was quite startling and so very empowering!
Somewhere deep inside you will know your 'No!' and in no uncertain terms. Open yourself up to allowing it to live, whilst reminding yourself that, despite your protestations to the contrary, it does live, and as we have seen, in many, many ways.